Signed, Sealed, Delivered: Alternative Valentine’s ecards for the last-minute lover

If this card doesn't make your whole year, you may have lost touch with your humanity.

Now that we’re all clear on the Correct Valentine’s Day Procedures for Couples and Singles, you know it’s only polite/mandatory to make sure that no one feels left out. As we all know, Valentine’s Day / Singles’ Awareness Day is the most romantic and drastically important holiday of the year, by which all of our worth shall be measured. If you fall short of societal expectations, let’s face it: you might as well start digging your own grave now. I’m sure someone will feel sorry enough to fill it in for you.

If you’re not ready to give up that easily, the best defense is a good offense. Here are some excellent ecard options you can proactively send to all your single and coupled friends, thus guaranteeing an onslaught of return greetings. Because people feel guilty about stuff like that. In fact, I recommend sending one to at least one of your least favourite acquaintances (or better yet, sworn enemies), just to confuse them and make things awkward. Doesn’t everyone deserve that experience?

For the DEEP OF THOUGHT:

"Nietzche." Get it? Get it?

Critical Theory Valentines! “Valentine’s Day is coming, and people everywhere will soon be bombarded with calls to engage in an orgy of consumption and heteronormativity. While some may prefer to rage against the machine and boycott the holiday altogether, even the most revolutionary of significant others will often expect some sort of spectacle to memorialize your affection.”

For the SAPPHIC SET:

If this doesn't make every single one of my lesbian friends spit their wine out all over their cat, I don't know what will.

Irreverent Lesbian Valentines! “Lesbian e-cards you can send to people on Valentine’s Day. They’re by Dattch. Dattch is a lesbo dating app where you could meet new lesbians if you had time for that kind of shit but you don’t. FOCUS. E-CARDS. These aren’t subtle, which is something I’ve always liked about you.”

For DIGITAL DUDES WHO LIKE DUDES:

Could this card be any more gay?

Classic Gay Men’s Valentines! “Send free unlimited Gay Ecards.”

For the PRAGMATIC PARTNER:

I'm pretty sure I had this exact conversation with my boyfriend the day before yesterday.

Depressingly Realistic Valentines! “17 Brutally Honest Someecards To Send To Your Valentine.”

For the HIGHLY ANIMATED:

My boyfriend hasn't seen this yet. Shh, don't tell him!

Singing Dancing Valentines! JibJab’s song choices this year include Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe: Cast the one you got in this hilariously retro and cheesy Starring You® ecard.” Paid site currently offering 25% off for a total of $18/year, which may be worth it if you know people who like this sort of thing (or have children). JibJab also features a healthy assortment of anti-Valentines, if you like that sort of thing!

For the HIPSTER WHO CAN’T COP TO REAL FEELINGS ABOUT ANYTHING:

I think we can all relate to this on some level. It doesn't mean I think you're special or anything.

Cute ironic valentines! “21 Awkward Valentine’s Day Cards for your Confusing Modern Relationship.”

Note: Some of these aren’t actually ecards, but considering that it’s probably too late to order the physical versions, you can always do what I do when I’m feeling cheap or under time pressure: rip them off and create your own version by hand; take a screen shot or right-click the image and “save picture as” to make your own ecard! And if you need some help working up the gumption to send a card or even just a message to somebody special, contact me at Junia Matchmaking Services – because I can totally help. Or even do it for you, if necessary.

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