Monthly Archives: February 2014

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So who’s single? The Total Package puts a number on it

I made this especially for you!

I’m excited beyond words to give my Canadian friends, fans, and well-wishers an extra special Singles Awareness Day treat this year! For the last several months, Alex Makes Apps has been working on a top-secret project for me: The Total Package, a shiny new Junia app for Android users.

Find out how many people actually exist who meet your terribly discerning dating criteria! As long as you’re not this guy – I don’t think anyone would ever be good enough for him.

Using relevant data from Statistics Canada, Health Canada, and the National Household Survey, The Total Package will calculate exactly how many people (living within as few as 5 or as many as 200 km of your home) meet your standards. Then this incredible app will astonish you further by projecting how many of them are already online dating!

Okay, so it is really just a nifty little reality check for those who have ever wondered, “is it just me?” If you’ve ever worried that you’re setting the bar too high, then this is your chance to find out. Maybe your friends are right and you’re far too picky. Or maybe you’re right, and you can triumphantly wave your phone in their faces to prove it! It’s also designed to be used over and over again, so you can amuse your friends, or simply adjust your parameters if you don’t like the numbers it’s giving you.

And if you need help choosing someone from all these possibilities, you know where to find me!

Perfect for everyone whose friends think they're too picky! Or not picky enough.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered: Alternative Valentine’s ecards for the last-minute lover

If this card doesn't make your whole year, you may have lost touch with your humanity.

Now that we’re all clear on the Correct Valentine’s Day Procedures for Couples and Singles, you know it’s only polite/mandatory to make sure that no one feels left out. As we all know, Valentine’s Day / Singles’ Awareness Day is the most romantic and drastically important holiday of the year, by which all of our worth shall be measured. If you fall short of societal expectations, let’s face it: you might as well start digging your own grave now. I’m sure someone will feel sorry enough to fill it in for you.

If you’re not ready to give up that easily, the best defense is a good offense. Here are some excellent ecard options you can proactively send to all your single and coupled friends, thus guaranteeing an onslaught of return greetings. Because people feel guilty about stuff like that. In fact, I recommend sending one to at least one of your least favourite acquaintances (or better yet, sworn enemies), just to confuse them and make things awkward. Doesn’t everyone deserve that experience?

For the DEEP OF THOUGHT:

"Nietzche." Get it? Get it?

Critical Theory Valentines! “Valentine’s Day is coming, and people everywhere will soon be bombarded with calls to engage in an orgy of consumption and heteronormativity. While some may prefer to rage against the machine and boycott the holiday altogether, even the most revolutionary of significant others will often expect some sort of spectacle to memorialize your affection.”

For the SAPPHIC SET:

If this doesn't make every single one of my lesbian friends spit their wine out all over their cat, I don't know what will.

Irreverent Lesbian Valentines! “Lesbian e-cards you can send to people on Valentine’s Day. They’re by Dattch. Dattch is a lesbo dating app where you could meet new lesbians if you had time for that kind of shit but you don’t. FOCUS. E-CARDS. These aren’t subtle, which is something I’ve always liked about you.”

For DIGITAL DUDES WHO LIKE DUDES:

Could this card be any more gay?

Classic Gay Men’s Valentines! “Send free unlimited Gay Ecards.”

For the PRAGMATIC PARTNER:

I'm pretty sure I had this exact conversation with my boyfriend the day before yesterday.

Depressingly Realistic Valentines! “17 Brutally Honest Someecards To Send To Your Valentine.”

For the HIGHLY ANIMATED:

My boyfriend hasn't seen this yet. Shh, don't tell him!

Singing Dancing Valentines! JibJab’s song choices this year include Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe: Cast the one you got in this hilariously retro and cheesy Starring You® ecard.” Paid site currently offering 25% off for a total of $18/year, which may be worth it if you know people who like this sort of thing (or have children). JibJab also features a healthy assortment of anti-Valentines, if you like that sort of thing!

For the HIPSTER WHO CAN’T COP TO REAL FEELINGS ABOUT ANYTHING:

I think we can all relate to this on some level. It doesn't mean I think you're special or anything.

Cute ironic valentines! “21 Awkward Valentine’s Day Cards for your Confusing Modern Relationship.”

Note: Some of these aren’t actually ecards, but considering that it’s probably too late to order the physical versions, you can always do what I do when I’m feeling cheap or under time pressure: rip them off and create your own version by hand; take a screen shot or right-click the image and “save picture as” to make your own ecard! And if you need some help working up the gumption to send a card or even just a message to somebody special, contact me at Junia Matchmaking Services – because I can totally help. Or even do it for you, if necessary.

Correct Valentine’s Day Procedures for Couples and Singles

In case you’ve just awakened from a coma, or have not had electricity for some time, let me be the billionth person to remind you that Valentine’s Day - also known as Singles’ Awareness Day – is this Friday, February 14. I know this can be a high-pressure occasion for many people, coupled or single, and so I’ve come up with a few tips to ensure a successful observance – or non-observance – of the day:

1. Be happy – you’ve got it good!

Someecards.com offers thorough selection of complicated V-Day sentiments


If you are part of a couple, take a moment to quietly savour that fact. The operative word here is QUIETLY. This is not “your special day.” This is a huge and profitable holiday, ranking second in spending behind Christmas and ahead of Mother’s Day in the U.S. A whopping $17 billion will be spent there this year alone. It’s an occasion that at least half the world marks and the other half has definitely heard of. It’s really not that special to you in particular. But if you’ve got someone who smiles at you when they haven’t seen you in a while, that’s some major warm fuzzy fodder right there. So go ahead and glow.

If you are not part of a couple, take a moment to quietly savour that fact. The operative word here is QUIETLY. This is not “it’s awesome / it sucks to be me” day. The world did not conspire to create this holiday so that you could gloat about how you don’t have to do anyone else’s dishes, and can kiss whoever you want, whenever you want, because you’re single. And if you do, those poor suckers who have to pretend to be excited about a short-stemmed roses from the grocery store that’ll be brown by Monday will simply tell themselves that you’re bitter and envious (ha!) Who wants to add to their smug (if delusional) satisfaction?

2. Be thrifty – get nasty!

66% of men and 30% of women would prefer sex to a store-bought gift

If you are part of a couple, and you don’t fancy feeding the retail monster just because the mall mafia tells you that’s what your partner wants you to do, but you’d still like to do something special, why not have sex? I’m not talking about making twee coupons you exchange for specific acts, or circus sex with props and costumes and special flavoured liquids. Just good old-fashioned, clothes-in-a-heap getting’ it on. Isn’t that why you’re part of a couple in the first place? Apparently that’s what two-thirds of men and one-third of women would prefer anyway, according to a recent survey. (I should note that I am personally slightly concerned about the big gender divide on this issue. Do you coupled-off guys need to brush up on your skills or what?)

If you are not part of a couple, congratulations! You don’t have to feed the retail monster just because the mall mafia tells you to do so. But if you’d still like to do something special, you can take even half of what the average coupled-off person expects to spend this year ($240!!!) and still buy yourself an extremely fancy high end sex toy. (For the record, I am NOT paid to endorse the Lelo brand – but I still very much do!) Or just go out to any bar – bars are NOT full of couples on Valentine’s Day, funnily enough – and enjoy the fire-sale atmosphere this not-very-important holiday creates. There’s sure to be at least a handful of very attractive, intelligent, charming people who have been had enough of scrolling through their coupled friends’ nauseating Facebook posts and just decided to hit the bottle hard. Why not take advantage?

3. Be Cupid – improve your karma!

Not feeling the love so strongly yourself this year? Pay it forward!

If you are part of a couple, and you know some single people who are looking for love, why not help them have a better Valentine’s Day? Throw a little party and invite them all (don’t tell them why – single people do not like knowing they are being set up). Encourage them to try online dating – OkCupid is a great free site that is also fun to use. If you don’t think you can project adequate enthusiasm for these tasks, send them my way!

If you are not part of a couple, and you know some single people who are looking for love, why not send them Valentines? Especially if you’re actually interested. V-Day was never originally intended for the happily coupled, incidentally. It was a day for secret admirers and clandestine couples (or wannabes) to declare their desires, not the “behold the happiness of my beloved and I, for it is majestic and overwhelming” parade that it is today. Everyone deserves a little love, even platonic friends, and no matter what anyone tells you, even an e-greeting is better than no greeting at all. I like someecards for its subtler grasp of the complex emotions these holidays elicit.

Still got a case of “the mean reds” about Singles’ Awareness Day? Here’s a personal inspirational tale:

In 1991, when I was living alone in NYC and kind of depressed at the age of 20 (I know – there oughta be a law) a friend sent me a dozen long-stemmed roses on February 14th. Once I got over the fear of being shot – nothing says “you’re about to die” quite like a giant Italian man pounding on your door unexpectedly, pointing a long white box at your peephole – I couldn’t have been more thrilled. In fact, I kept half of them and took the other six down to the rather legendary East Village bar that was right below my apartment, where another friend and I gave them away to total strangers and people bought us drinks all night. Until last year, when my boyfriend and I went to a dollar store and bought props to wear in the photo booth (total cost, including picture strips: $13), it remained my best V-Day ever!