September Song: why “Back to School” is a great time to date online

Cooler temperatures increasing cuddling requirements come Autumn

The back-to-school season is huge in the dating world. I have a number of theories about this. Today I’ll use them to formulate a droll and convincing argument aimed at persuading you to join the masses of single people who have already recognized that it’s only 109 days until the new year, and decided to find someone they’d actually like to kiss when it happens. Apparently you internet people love lists, so here are three good reasons you should give your online dating profile a dust-off this fall. With accompanying music, because I’m not only a matchmaker, I’m also a DJ:

You’ll have a jump on the competition. The peak season for online dating is the week surrounding New Year’s Eve, according to a researchers at Match.com. A lengthy googling failed to identify exactly who these “researchers” were, or how that research was conducted, but I’m not going to dispute it. (Heck, even your postman would probably agree, if you asked him nicely.) My own time working at The Very Expensive Old-Fashioned Dating Network That Shall Not Be Named completely corroborates this idea. Huge numbers of new clients would appear immediately after January 1st, but we also dealt with a lot of angry people. Why? Because our office was actually closed for the entire holiday season – much to the distress of huge numbers of clients who didn’t really plan on being alone. Luckily, internet dating sites are “open” 24/7 – but don’t let that notion encourage you to drag your feet now. Because for every person who jumps on the New Year’s bandwagon, there’s another who’s disappeared because they’ve already found someone, or don’t want to be “seen” online during a time that should be filled with fellowship and festivity! And what if they’re THE ONE? (I know, I’m evil. Hee hee!)

September is the new year for many people. First of all, I’d like to take this moment to offer a belated Shana Tova! to my Jewish readers, and a happy 5774 to all. Why do you think that calendar has sixteen months in it, anyway? When was the last time you bought yourself a whole bunch of new clothes for the middle of winter? Back to school is the new year as far as our social lives are concerned. Everyone’s had about as much fun as they can with the friends they already have all summer, and it’s time for a change. Even if you’re not in school, chances are you’re taking on some new challenge. You’re at least ready to stop slacking off in some aspect of your life that you’ve neglected over the lazy, hazy, crazy weeks of July and August. Why take your romantic future any less seriously? Again, I’ll refer to my experience when I worked on The Love Boat, that sinking ship of broken and expensive dreams. We had our second-biggest rush of the year during September, and the same thing is happening online right now. When I’m looking for prospective partners for my clients, I often search by “newest user” rather than “last visit” to avoid seeing the same profiles over and over again. As expected, there’s been a big surge in new faces! And traffic on my existing clients’ profiles has at least doubled in the last couple of weeks.

Don't wait until the holidays to look for love! Untitled (Our prices are insane), 1987, by Barbara Kruger

I’m having a sale! Okay, so my last reason is a blatant plug. If you’ve read all this and thought, “So? More people online doesn’t mean mo’ better people. Online dating sucks, why would I want to do more of it? No one good ever writes back to me anyway,” you are the person who should be writing to me. That’s right, I’m having my own “back to school” sale between now and Canadian Thanksgiving – or Columbus Day in the U.S. – or Indigenous People’s day all over Turtle Island. Let’s just call it Monday, October 14th. I’m offering $25 off my thoroughly effective Junia Express Package. This one-time service involves an hour-long consultation with me (via Skype, telephone, or in person, depending on your location) and the creation of your new online dating presence for up to two websites. I’ll also follow that up with a half-hour coaching session to help you handle the increase in traffic on your profile. One new client who came on board just last week has already seen his profile traffic increase by roughly 400%, and gone on a very successful date with a woman who had ignored him the four previous times he messaged her! Yeah, I’m that good.

And if you think you’re fine on your own, then please enjoy one last song: a bizarre, yet endearing version of the titular Kurt Weill classic by the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen. Happy hunting, everyone!

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